— r.h (via psych-facts)
I think loving you was my biggest mistake, my biggest regret yet. No words could explain this intensity, the feeling that I get. Even when you’re not around, even when I’m not awake. You’re in my vision, in my dreams. I’ve never felt so weak. How could someone enter your life, physically make you weep. You’re the best thing. You’re the worst thing. I couldn’t forget you even if I tried but yet I still try. Because I can’t keep you and this feeling, it kills me. I feel sick when you’re not around and I can barely breathe. I want to inhale your words. And exhale the love you make me feel. Cause when you’re here I become alive. I’m flying. I can’t take it. You make me but then you break me. Cause I can’t have you and I don’t know why. Like you’re a possession, but I can’t buy you. And I wish I could. I wish money could solve everything. But it can’t. Can’t make someone love you. If I could, I would. No matter how long it would take. Because you make me. I’d give you all of me. You shake me. You make me real. And what I would give for you, it’s unrealistic. I’d wait for you, if I knew that’s all it would take. If it was definite. I’d stay here. That’s how much you’re worth it. I adore you. Even the worst parts of you, magnify me closer. Cause I believe in you. And I see all the good, despite all the bad. I enhance you. To the person you really are. Cause the world can’t fool me, when I see it through your eyes.
1. Date a boy who makes you happy, but marry him only if he makes you laugh deep-belly rumbles that hurt your ribs as they expand outwards. Date him when he sees that you’re hurting and he gives you a moment to feel that pain like a handprint spreading across your consciousness, marry him only if he can make you smile even while you’re gross sobbing. The world is not a kind place. You will feel a lot of pain. Make sure you are with someone who makes it all bearable. Humor is an excellent gauge of intelligence. Life gets boring. Find someone who makes the banal interesting.
2. Make sure he has scars on the back of his hands, it’s a good sign he has experience either fighting or making things - creation is an act of selflessness and bruised knuckles are a good sign he knows how to defend himself. You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate. If he’s never thrown a punch, let him at least have tasted the insanity of bringing an idea into existence. Rough palms are better than soft ones, they have been salted by this earth and made into leather. Callouses are evidence he has lived, that he has broken skin and been in pain over and over and over again and still came back to the source of it. People rub against each other. Don’t marry him if he can’t handle even a little blister.
3. Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting,see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit.
4. Trust your instincts. If he ever makes you feel unsafe, don’t make excuses, just get up and leave. That’s all there is to it. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
5. If he puts money before you, he’ll keep pushing you to the bottom of the pile until you become his last priority. It’s one thing if he can’t afford what you want, it’s another if he has the cash but won’t spring for a box of chicken mcnuggets. Money and love are arch enemies. 62% of divorces occur due to economic strain. Make sure keeping you is more important than his 401k.
6. How a man treats animals is a good indicator of how he treats children. If you see him raise a hand to a dog, pack your things into a little black bag. Animals at their worst are only half as annoying as a toddler on their best behaviour. Your kids will be beautiful, but they will also misbehave. Same goes for waiters and hotel maids - if he’s rude to those who are working for minimum wage, it says a lot about how he sees himself. Patience is rare and so important. If he’s not forgiving to a dog, he’s not good for your kids.
7. If he isn’t in awe of you, he doesn’t deserve you. You are my little girl and you were born perfect. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. There is someone who thinks your flaws power his heart. Be strong. If he asks you to change, be like like rock of your birthstone, do not waver. You are wondrous just the way that you are."
— My father’s recipe for the man I should marry (part 1/2 of a series).
I love you so much it hurts. It hurts so much. And I can’t have you, despite everything we have and that we have been through. Maybe if we met another time or another place. Maybe in another life it could work. But not this one. I don’t know why. But we are impossible. I hate it.